I was thinking a lot yesterday about this blog and what I want for it, and having done that, I’m even more motivated. I really want to be able to look back in a month and see what made me happy. I want to know if I need to make changes. I’d really like to get myself out more and do more interesting things, find new ways of making myself happy, since the last year has been such a complete bust.
I plan to, each month, make a list of the things that I said made me happy, and be able to reflect on that. A year from now, when I look back, I want to be able to tangibly see the things that I enjoyed. And having that goal in mind makes writing this blog so much easier – it makes me really want to stick it out and have an end date in mind. I want to see where life is going to take me in the next year. I plan to live in a different state by next Christmas, which is terrifying, but I also think will be one of the best things that ever happens to me. And having this blog will allow me to see that.
I don’t know exactly what it is about the new year, but I’m determined that it’s going to be different than last year. Really, anything would be better. Anything except last year, so I’m hoping that hurdle will be pretty easy to jump.
A lot of time today was spent reflecting on the past 22 years of my life, particularly in Video Home System format. Yes, I watched a lot of old VHS tapes. On NYE, my family and our closest friend-family got together, as per usual; we ate dinner and watched an old tape from when my friend and I were young (3 and 5, resp) and we had a girls’ trip with another friend and mom to North Pole City. We laughed so hard we cried at all of the crazy things we did, and my mom and have been on kind of a VHS kick since.
Tonight, we watched several of my old birthday parties (think years 3-5), and then some various tapes my mom made from my junior year of high school. Weird, I know, but it was really fun. I’d forgotten how funny they are.
After that, I went over to my best friend Rebekah’s apartment and we watched the same high school video and then several of our high school marching band competition DVDs. I know. Please just judge me. Rebekah and I have gone to school together since third grade, so we’ve been pretty much doing the same things together our entire lives, since I moved to Oklahoma. We didn’t become really good friends until college, but we have a lot of the same memories since we were both in band and also since we had a lot of the same friends. We also made a lot of the same stupid mistakes (particularly about boys), so we probably should have been friends a lot earlier and kept ourselves from doing stupid things. Nah. We probably still would have done them. Encouraged each other to continue, probably.
So today’s happiness moment is a reflection of the past, I guess – of the good memories I have that have been caught on tape. It’s really strange to look back on the past and have it recorded on VHS – I mean, literally no one uses those anymore. Rebekah and I had to spend about ten minutes trying to figure out how to hook up their VHS player. So sad.
We spend a lot of time thinking back on high school when we’re together, which I guess can be both good and bad. Most of our memories are either laughing about things that seem ridiculous now or we’re able to grumble about things that happened to us that we’re still mad about. Or, at least, kicking ourselves for acting like fools then. It’s always funny.
My resolution for tomorrow: don’t worry about things you can’t control. Don’t dedicate so much time to thinking about someone who clearly isn’t thinking about you, as much as that sucks to admit. Don’t feel weighted down by it. Don’t feel like you have to make decisions based on his reaction – you aren’t even really talking much right now, so it doesn’t matter.